I have requested information on adoption. Not that I am anywhere near ready to do that. I just wanted to get some information to look over. The newsletter I was sent had the following in it.
Infertility is not fair! It is heartbreaking, and it affects you spiritually and emotionally! The dream you had of marriage and then kids has been shattered. These are what I have hated and still sometimes hate about infertility:
• Seeing just one pink line each month on the pregnancy test, instead of two
• Hearing the never-ending question: “When are ya’ll going to have kids?”
• Hearing that you can not do a good job in children’s ministry or as a teacher because you do not have children of your own
• Attending baby dedications or infant baptisms
• Living through another Mother’s Day
• Going to Babies R Us
• Being told to “just adopt” and feeling bad because you do not feel led to do it
• Hearing the news that one of your friends or family members is pregnant. On one hand you are excited for them, but on the other hand your heart breaks because you wish it were you. Then you feel bad for not feeling absolutely excited for your loved ones, and then you beat yourself up for being selfish.
• Feeling like you must have some BIG SIN in your life. Why else would you not be pregnant?
• Feeling like you are a science experiment
• Having the most private parts of your body be on display for countless doctors, nurses, and even pre-med students
• Taking vitamins, hormones, and shots
• Doubting your faith and wondering where God is in all of this struggle
• Seeing the “I’m so sorry” look in the nurse’s eyes as she tells you again that you are not pregnant
• Crying in the Wal-Mart checkout line as you buy your “supplies” for your monthly gift
• Hearing another woman say, “We weren’t even trying!”
• Having your arms ache to hold a child
• Hearing people tell you to “just relax, and it will just happen.”
The biggest change in my relationship with the Lord that happened during my infertility journey was that my love for God is now based on WHO HE IS and not on what He gives me!
Even though I have a child now—through the help of hormones, shots, and treatment—my heart still aches. Because now that my daughter is 18 months old, the questions are coming again: “When are you going to have another one?”
Through my struggle with infertility, the words of Matt Redman’s song, “You Never Let Go” helped me find comfort in the Lord. My favorite line is “still I will praise you, still I will praise you!”
Today as we sang the song in church, God reminded me of the lessons of grace, mercy, and faithfulness that He had already taught me. So today I can again say, “Still I will praise you, LORD !”
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
After a much needed Christmas Break I headed back to work yesterday. The kids seem excited to be back and it is nice to have a routine again. I just sleep in too much when I don't have to work. I have also been exercising more. Yesterday and today I walked before and after school. I have also been trying to eat healthier. We will see how it goes. I always do well for a while and then get off track. Let's hope for the best.